WHAT IF LAMAN HAD A DIARY ?

CHAPTER ONE

Dear Diary, I, Lemuel, being born of filthy rich but nagging parents, therefore, = I have been harassed much of my life; not only by my parents, but by my younger brother Nephi, and my older brother Laman, with whom I get along the best. There! Now maybe my parents will get off my back about =20 keeping a record.
-- Lem

CHAPTER TWO

Dear Diary, Well, It's finally happened! My father is a lunatic! He has decided that he feels that we should leave the big city and head out into the wilderness. He hasn't said where. He started talking about leaving after he came home from yelling at people to repent. He said the people threw rocks at him. No kidding! I think one of them must have beaned him on the noggin. When he came home, he went to his tent and laid on his bed for about 12 hours straight. I thought he was in a coma.
* Lem

CHAPTER THREE

Dear Diary, Hi, I'm Lemuel, and I'm dumb. Dear Diary, I didn't write that last entry. Laman must have gotten hold of the plates. Sometimes he's a real jerk. I wish there was a way to erase engravings. Maybe a jeweler could fix it. Life stinks right now! Dad said we had to leave everything we owned because he had a dream about it! Yech! Dad also says (because of another dream---imagine that!) = we have to go back to town and get some brass plates from Uncle Laban. Sure, like Laban's going to say, "Here, have them. Maybe you want my coat, too? You want me to die from pneumonia or something?" Laban hit me once when we were younger because I spit on him. I'm not going!
*Lem

CHAPTER FOUR

Dear Diary, I decided to go to the city after all. We just got back and the hike was murder. Laman was picked to talk to Laban. He went over and talked to him. Then, he got drunk and asked one of Laban's girlfriend's out on a date. Laban got mad and beat Laman up pretty good. After that, we went to our old home and got our gold and tried to buy the plates from Laban. His gang chased us away and stole our stuff. Laman was furious! I thought the vein on his forehead would blow up! He and I got sticks and beat up Nephi and Sam until we got tired. Then an angel came and told us to quit hitting them. Boy, Nephi and Sam sure got lucky! Nephi went back to the city and found Laban laying in the street. He was so drunk that Nephi chopped off his head and got the plates. What a trip!
* Lem

CHAPTER FIVE

Dear Diary, Now Dad wants us to go back to the city and get Ishmael and his Family. He probably wants us to go marry his daughters.....he's got a million kids. I guess I don't mind so much about going back to the city this time; at least we get some babes out of it! Some of Ishs' daughters are pretty good looking even though they don't have much upstairs. Sounds like a pretty good match for me, eh? I'll write more when we get back. Just got back from the city. Ishmael's daughters are better looking=20 than I remembered. But, there's one that's really ugly. She's hangin' on Laman like a bad suit. Nephi is a real pain in the camel's hump!=20 He's been on our backs the whole time. He keeps telling me to repent.=20 Sheesh! It's not like I'm CAIN or something!
*Lem

CHAPTER SIX

Dear Diary, I've had it out here! I'm not a happy camper! I've had diarrhea for the last two months. There been nothin' to eat recently but dried scorpion tails. I haven't been writing much lately because things have been really hard! Now Dad has this gold--colored ball that he sits and stares at for hours every day. He says it tells him what to do and where to go. If Dad's looking for that kind of information, I can give him a few ideas. Ahh, I'm going to bed! Mom's pregnant, I think, either that or she's got a tumor. I think she's too old to have a baby.
* Lem

CHAPTER SEVEN

Dear Diary, Mom was pregnant! She had a boy, named him Jake. We all have families now and most of us have at least one kid. I have two; Frank and Jesse. They're little terrors. but I guess they'll grow out of it. I know I should write more, but I keep putting it off. I don't know the reason but my wife is getting really buff. I'm worried because she's almost gotten bigger than me. I think it's because of all the very rare steak she's been eating! In fact, nothing is cooked! Dad has really fallen off his rocker this time! Laman's wife is huge! She's stronger than eight cows, But then, I told Laman he'd have an eight cow wife.
--Lem

CHAPTER EIGHT

Dear Diary, Oh Man!! Could that be a deli out in the middle of the wilderness? I'm craving some bagels and lox. Maybe some pastrami on rye. Ahh, = it's just a mirage. Nephi says Heavenly Father told him to build a boat.=20 Nephi's never seen a boat. Jerusalem is landlocked! I've never seen more than a glass of water at a time, let alone a whole ocean. And now Nephi thinks he's Noah all of a sudden. You know, Nephi really chaps my hide! Why, he can't even shoot a bow. Nephi broke his last week. We went a day without food because of it. Knowing Nephi, he probably called it a fast. Gotta bolt!
* Lem

CHAPTER NINE

Dear Diary, Laman gave me a tattoo. It really hurts. He rubbed salt in it before I could stop him. He said salt makes it feel better. It hurts like the dickens. Why did I let him do it? He can talk me into just about anything. I can't believe it's been eight years since we left home, and here we are on a beach with a ship that probably won't even float.=20 Knowin' Nephi's building ability, the boat will probably spring a leak! Hey that reminds me............I'm back now. Mom had another baby, called him Joe. I can already tell he's going to be trouble.
-- Lem

CHAPTER TEN

Dear Diary, I'm really seasick! We've been having a party here on the ship that Nephi made. The boat worked pretty good. We've been floating around for about two weeks now. We tied up Nephi yesterday because he's such a stiff. He got really mad at Laman and me because we got drunk. It's stormy a lot. If it gets much worse we might sink. Everybody says that Heavenly Father is punishing us with this storm and that we should untie Nephi. Yeah, right! I doubt it. But Maybe we'll untie him after Family Home Evening.
* Lem

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Dear Diary, We've finally landed. I feel like we've been on this tub forever!=20 Good thing Nephi brought all those seeds. There's nothing to eat and it's my turn to go hunting. What if I run into some big animal I've never seen before. Maybe I can con Jake or Joe into going hunting for me. Can you believe it? Nephi is already talking about building a temple. And we haven't even been here for a day! Can't he give this religion thing a rest? Laman has already got ideas about moving out on his own. I think I'll go with him.
* Lem

CHAPTER TWELVE

Dear Diary, Well, Nephi finally did it. He finally got Laman so mad at him that Laman couldn't see straight. They started talking again about who was going to be the leader. Laman thinks he should be the leader, because he's the oldest. But, Nephi thinks he should be the leader because some angels said so. Oh well, it'll be the last fight between them for awhile. Nephi and a bunch of the family left a few nights ago to live somewhere else. And they took everything with them. The brass plates, Laban's sword, the gold-colored ball, everything! Laman's pretty ticked off. I'm glad I stayed with him. Nephi won't know the first thing about living in the wilderness on his own. But since Nephi left, we've all developed a red rash on our skin. We can't seem to get rid of it.
* Lem