Signs You Are In An Abusive Relationship - Page 6
Oh, I just must add something to this remark about MANIPULATION. We know isolation is one action of an abuser.
A few years after my second marriage, I was visiting my mother and the phone rang. My mom said "You might as well answer that, it's (my husband's name)".
I looked at her in amazement, not comprehending at all why she would say that.
He had not shown me ANY actual abuse I could identify at that point - was still in the charming, manipulative stage... Well, why abuse? Everything was going his way. Needless to say, I answered the phone and it was him. "Honey, I miss you, when are you coming home?" he crooned sweetly.
Then I saw. I always thought how cute that he misses me and wants me with him. We were getting along, I missed and wanted to be with him, too, at that point... After the call, my mother said, "He always calls you about 30 minutes after you get here." I had not noticed...
But I realized he was using sugar and smooth-talking charm to always get his way or change me into what he wanted. First stage.
Shamefully, I was very happy and he was good to my two sons, so I allowed him to get away with it for a while until something came along that I really cared about. I'm the type who is laid back and easy going, if it's something I don't really care about I will go along with what other people want; but if it is something I have firm beliefs, values or intensely want, I won't budge an inch. When I finally stood up to him, he tried gradually escalating stages of different abuses up to the point of choking me unconscious.
I come from several lines of Irish, all mixed up in my DNA, so that might explain my response to being choked almost to death ((laugh) - can you say stubborn?), when I became conscious again, I said...."You're bigger and stronger than me - you can kill me physically. BUT YOU WILL NEVER WIN. I will never change. I am who I am. With the last breath I blow out I will still be ****** and you will NOT have broken me. Ever. You lose. No matter what." He looked at me for a long time, then walked away and left. I believe I astounded him or at least dissuaded him from continuing that venue to change me. Needless to say, we separated and I obtained an order of protection from him.
For many years I was angry against him. We had many happy years together without problems. We actually had such a nice life, people called us 'the perfect couple' (gag). I was very bitter he would ruin that...it kept me from dating for 10 years. I prayed and prayed but couldn't forgive him. Then one morning I awoke with his phone number in my head and knew I was supposed to call him. I called, he apologized, we both cried. He had ruined his life after we separated (losing our house and business). He told me he harmed himself in futile anger at me. My husband died not too long after that. When he died, we had forgiven each other (I am not an angel (laugh)). It may seem like a sad conclusion, but it is an appropriate conclusion for us .