Jonah was able to eat better today, I was glad because there are some days when he hardly eats and when he is like that he has everyone up at night and becomes very irritated.
Felipe is very excited because he has a new friend who is also autistic (Aspergers) and they email each other and chat every day. He is from the US and his aunt sent me a message about him after I put a post about looking for an email penpal for him. This child is also socially awkward and does not have friends so they found each other and they are loving every minute of it!
Seth is getting so big and he tries to imitate the things I do. He is just so adorable and wants kisses constantly.
Tomorrow our middle son Jonah will be 4 years old. We celebrated already by going to the mall and getting some train tracks and his favorite goodies there. However, we will eat his favorite junk food tomorrow and we will have a cake.
I cannot avoid having a tear when I think about him because he struggles so much to communicate, it's heartbreaking at times. He makes good progress sometimes with certain words but then regresses whatever he learned.
I love him so much, he is so special. He adores his father. Daddy is his favorite and loves to watch Elmo and draw. His smile is priceless and his hugs the sweetest thing that can ever happen to you.
These past few months have been very challenging. My body and mind have run down and I feel extremely exhausted in all levels. Most of the time, I feel very frustrated and angry at my self and the situation we all live every single day. I'm beyond stress. On top of all that, Seth is going through the stage of not sleeping at night so most of the days I "function" with 1 or 2 hours of sleep maximum. I have black and deep circles under my eyes that I couldn't even take out with make up today.
Jonah is going to be 5 in a few weeks, his appetite increased a lot and he's eating a lot more. We're glad because he was eating really bad the past few months. His speech still very limited and communication continue being his number one problem and frustration. He has taken the role of "boss" around Seth and loves to tell him what he should or shouldn't do. He loves to scream and tease everyone, sometimes when you are literally a zombie hearing even the smallest noises irritate you.
Seth is now 3 and is talking as much as Jonah. He seems to pick up words better than Jonah does and better than Felipe at that age. However, he loves to follow Jonah around and do everything he sees Jonah doing (the good, the bad and the ugly) and most of the time, they cannot play together because it ends up in a fight or argument over toys so most of the time we have to separate them for everyone to have some sort of peace.
Felipe turned 11 in April and his vocabulary has improved a lot. He's a very bright child who also plays the piano and loves computer games and everything related to technology. He struggles a lot with social cues (what is appropriate to do/say in "X" situations) and now that he's bigger, he feels more conscious about it and tries to avoid social situations which doesn't make me happy, he also craves for friends or other social outlets and I truly feel bad for him because in this place, we're so limited in so many aspects, including social life and real people. It makes me upset, sad and often times angry that I am unable to provide these BASIC things for him that he needs for his development and happiness.
So yes, I feel like crap but that's how I feel most of the days anyways. I'm so stressed that I find myself crying for no apparent reason or thinking about them day and night to the point I cannot sleep sometimes.
I dream with a better future for them, in a better place...I dream with them having the same things most kids take for granted...I dream with them having friends and all the things they dream in their hearts. I'm heartbroken that I cannot provide these things for them and I cry myself to sleep every night.
As I observe mothers and fathers playing with their kids, take them to school, laughing and taking vacations, big birthday parties or celebrations you know...normal stuff average people do...I left to wonder, why us?
Why? I have no answer for that and the Only person who I thought has all the answers remains silent...
Continuing At Mountain Of Sand
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