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Not Suicidal But I Want To Die

Name: Crushed

Comments: I am the mother of 4 children with disabilities. One has autism, another cerebral palsy and the last two have ADHD and OCD. I cannot recall the last time I felt like living. Every day is a battle field where I'm fighting against these illnesses. It's not life by any means (I don't go out, every time I have to take the children special arrangements need to be taken care of, we hardly do anything as a family, etc), it's like survival in a war that I didn't choose to fight yet it is here.

The only thing that makes me breathe and move around is to ensure my children get food and whatever else they need. Other than that, there is nothing, absolutely nothing enjoyable about life for me. I know I'm depressed and you all may say that things will get better but please keep it, because they aren't. The type of disabilities my kids have are life-long disabilities so I know how life will be in 20 or 30 years from now and I'm just so crushed and tired (exhausted) to live like this. I'm not suicidal yet I don't want to live any longer.

Often times, a close relative of mine tells me there are other people who probably have it worst than me. Ha! Who cares? It doesn't change a thing about my situation and I'm reaching a point where everything and anything bothers me including people. If someone comes to talk to me, I feel like blowing up on them and tell them to leave me alone! What is the purpose of life if you cannot be happy at least for a few minutes?

Die Want I Suicidal Not

Crushed, I feel like that many times. Do you have anyone to see about your kids so you can get a break? Looking after children with disabilities can take a toll on your life. Also, if you are in the US I believe there are respite services for parents with children with autism.

Not Suicidal But I Want To Die Health & Special Psychology

I often feel the way you feel Crushed, though I am not really near your situation. I think for me it stems from knowing that I will never achieve what I want to achieve. What is the purpose of life if you can't follow your desires or dreams? To just live and like you said, just survive, day to day is a life but not a grand one.

Life should be so much more than just work, sleep, eat, bathe, drink, the end. In the end I think you are feeling desperation, you feel there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Like no matter what you do your locked into where you are.

You have to somehow break out of the cycle you are in. As scary and hard it is sometimes, life is a gift. It precious and worth the while. I would suggest finding some sort of support. It is hard to reach out and ask for help sometimes, but it is human to need that. Sometimes just coming out and declaring that your in trouble and need help can stop that feeling of desperation.

For me I combat that feeling with knowledge. I find and study information that helps me understand life in more abstract ways. I find ways of stepping outside myself and my situation. Just being able to look at my day from another angle other than accepting the blatant cold reality of it lightens my heart.

Lately I have been noticing that many of my thoughts and emotions are negative ones that I put on myself. I have been catching myself thinking or feeling negatively and stopping myself from it. Like for you, you probably wake up knowing 100% that your day is going to be hell. So you get up and do your routine feeling and thinking that way.

If you could somehow give yourself 5 minutes or even a moment to stop yourself from being 100% sure your day is going to bomb you may get a ray of hope. Just stopping that negative view and replacing it with some silly thought or fond memory can change your day for the better. Often we convince ourselves that our day is going to be horrid by thinking of all the bad things that are going to happen during it. So in a way we trap ourselves into that bad day by never letting go of all the negative thoughts and emotions we have preconceived and solidified already.

I feel your pain and desperation Crushed. I know it may seem like you are in an impossible situation or war but keep hope. Think about how strong you are and how much you have been threw. I know you have the strength to change this, you can face it down and beat it. Though I may not live with you in a physical sense we are in this together.

Edited: Oliron on 23rd Apr, 2011 - 9:49pm

Die Want I Suicidal Not

Name: Crushed

Comments: LDS_forever thanks for your comments. Oliron you cannot possibly imagine how much your words meant to me. I was feeling so depressed but after reading your post, it brought a little ray of hope in the middle of my hell. Thank you.

Die Want I Suicidal Not

Thank you, I'm glad my for my mishaps and struggles being that I could share that connection with someone and help lighten their load, if even for a moment.

Also what you said before about someone telling you that other people have it worse. Yes, that may be true, but your situation is pretty high up on that list.

Edited: Oliron on 24th Apr, 2011 - 3:55am