Close Topic Options

Setting Boundaries In Relationships

This is such an important lesson that I learned during a recent singles conference; however, it's not just for single people, but can be -- and should be -- applied in other relationships we have.
--------
Setting Boundaries

As an example, read the story of the Little Red Hen:

One day as the Little Red Hen was scratching in a field, she found a grain of wheat.
"This wheat should be planted," she said. "Who will plant this grain of wheat?"
"Not I," said the Duck.
"Not I," said the Cat.
"Not I," said the Dog.
"Then I will," said the Little Red Hen. And she did.

{it goes through cutting, threshing, milling, and baking, and each time the Duck Cat and Dog refuse to help}

She made and baked the bread. Then she said, "Who will eat this bread?"
"Oh! I will," said the Duck.
"And I will," said the Cat.
"And I will," said the Dog.
"No, No!" said the Little Red Hen. "I will do that." And she did.
----------
This is the example used to illustrate how to use boundaries. The Little Red Hen could have been too softhearted to say no to those that refused to help her, but she stood her ground. The Duck, Cat, and Dog are all experiencing the effect of a good boundary.

What is a boundary? Why set boundaries? How do we set them?

Boundaries support us to live healthier lives, increase our personal integrity, and creates a "safety zone" for our interactions with others. There are consequences to breaking boundaries. (For those who are LDS, this reference is familiar: D&C 82:10, "I the Lord am bound when ye do what I say, but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise.")

Effective boundaries are, for instance, fences between us and our neighbors, i.e. "good fences make good neighbors." Why? It keeps them out of our business, and us out of theirs. The same for curtains and blinds. Boundaries are as much about "us" as they are about "them."

How do you decide your own boundaries? Ask these questions:

Where do I stand?
What is important in my life?
What do I allow (or not) in my own home?
How do I interact with *myself*?

Boundaries must be held and given in Love, never in anger; communicate respect; invite and support self-respect; extends love to self and others.

Boundaries involve taking a stand; invokes the law of the Harvest (as ye sow, so shall ye reap); must be given in the first person; involves a firm commitment to self and others; should always aim for the Highest Good.

=======================
I may have a link for this in a few days - the speaker promised to post it on his website at a later date - where there will be more detail.

Relationships Boundaries Setting

I think this may be a bigger issue for women than men. We don't want to seem mean or harsh. Or maybe we truly have a difficult time being the one responsible for forcing another to suffer the consequences of their actions. So, we think if we have we must share. This really isn't true. If you are a religious person you often struggle with this concept. You know forgiveness and all means I should not judge this person. Well, maybe not judge but that also doesn't mean we shouldn't hold them accountable. In the bible, you may recall that the virgins whose lamps were not full did not get to take oil from those who had done the job of getting their lamps full. They suffered the consequence of not being prepared.

I like this story as posted by FarSeer. The challenge, however, is to be sure we don't go from being a push over, to being heartless.

Setting Boundaries In Relationships Reviews Consumer & Travel Family Culture

Boundaries are very important and neccesary in all types of relationship. Most of the time people do not set boundaries because they do not want to be judged....in my personal opinion, I don't care the opinion of men if I know I'm doing the right thing. Bounderies help people to respect more each other and know what to expect if they do something whether is right or wrong...

Relationships Boundaries Setting

Boundries can make or break a relationship. It's important to have boundries of sorts because if a couple doesn't, then they run a higher risk of not staying together, in my opinion. If a couple get together and within a month they've done everything under the sun, what do they have to look forward to? Nothing. There are some things that need to be saved for marriage, and if there arne't boundries, that sacredness is taken away.

One thing I learned this past summer from one of the staff members during her purity talk was to set boundries for your boundries. If you don't want to go past kissing, then make your boundary holding hands or something. A lot of people set boundaries, but they move past them. My New Testament professor was using the illustration of drinking. The Bible technically does not say we are not allowed to drink, it says not to get drunk. How do we ensure that we don't get drunk? We don't drink. It's kind of like our sidewalk to the road. If a parent doesn't want their child to get in the road, what do they do? They say don't go on the sidewalk, and when that child disobeys, they're on the sidewalk as opposed to the road.

Relationships Boundaries Setting

I think boundaries are very important in every relationship. I prefer to think of it as setting parameters though. Setting the parameters, or defining the limits and allowances of a relationship, allows for the relationship to grow to a specific point and not past it. Some area's you don't want a relationship to grow to, so you set a parameter. If one person in the relationship allows a parameter to be breached, or a parameter isn't set, then the relationship can become unhealthy for both involved. I think this applies to both marriages, dating relationships, friendships, and other interfamily relationships. One must set the boundaries for themselves because no one can tell you where they are for you.

Message Edited! Message edited to remove the extra characters added by sticky keys

Edited: funbikerchick on 23rd Mar, 2005 - 8:42pm