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How Long Before - Mormon Doctrine Studies - Posted: 22nd Aug, 2005 - 3:18pm
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You starting lowering your expectations?
How Long Before.
As a single Member of the Church you may have certain expectations in your future mate (served a mission, beautiful / handsome, love of the Gospel, financially secure, etc.), but suppose a lot of time passes with out these expectations being found, when do you start to 'lower' your 'qualification standards' for your potential mate?
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Before Long How
First of all, I don't feel that I have lowered my standards at all, but have changed my expectations of what is realistic. When we are very young and still beautiful ourselves, we can expect beauty in a potential mate; however, once we arrive in middle age and experience the effects of time and gravity, we have to expect something of the same in our target audience, as well.
In addition, I can't really expect to find a mate within the church, because the demographics just don't support it. There just aren't as many men as there are women, and it's something like five women to one man. So I have to be realistic and include non-members in my quest, while making sure I keep my covenants. (Although I do keep hoping for a temple-recommend holding, returned missionary 
)
After 8 years alone, I'm content to wait for the "one," and hope I am in tune enough to recognize him when we meet!
How Long Before. Studies Doctrine Mormon
This used to be online somewhere, but I can't find the link for it. So instead, I will quote the salient parts here, with the copyright information at the end.
This is from a guidebook called "Single to the Glory," written by Teresa Holladay, a single adult woman who has never married, and who has been involved in the Single Adult Program of the church since she came of age to be involved in the YSA program. When I find the link, I will update here. It's a great read for anyone who is single or who is in a leadership position that deals with singles in the church.
| QUOTE |
| Encyclopedia of Mormonism, Vol.3, SINGLE ADULTS Results of a demographic study indicated that among LDS single adults, 23 percent were divorced or separated, 13 percent were widowed, and 63 percent had never married. Children were present in 16 percent of single-adult households. Estimates of marital experiences indicate that only 3 percent of LDS men and women between eighteen and thirty in 1981 would never marry by age sixty. Thus while most Latter-day Saints eventually marry, singleness is a relatively common experience for LDS adults. Only 51 percent of women and 64 percent of men between eighteen and thirty in 1981 are expected to be in an intact first marriage by age sixty. The others will have experienced some period of singleness due to having been divorced, widowed, or never married. If these trends continue, one-third of adult Church members will divorce at some time before age sixty (Goodman and Heaton, pp. 92-93, 96). Poverty is a real threat to LDS single women, especially when children are present. When LDS households have equal numbers of members, those headed by females are 2.5-5.5 times as likely to be living below the poverty level as those headed by a married couple (Goodman and Heaton, p. 101). Church Welfare Services and the Relief Society seek to address both the immediate needs and the long-term problems of these women and families. The ratio of single LDS men to single LDS women indicates a high number of women. In 1981, "for every 100 LDS women in the prime marriage ages (20-29 years) there are 89 LDS men" (Goodman and Heaton, p. 90). The ratio of weekly church attenders is even more out of balance: "For all singles over 30 there are 19 active men [who attend church weekly] for every 100 active women" (Goodman and Heaton, p. 91). Furthermore, single LDS men and women are "mismatched on salient demographic characteristics. Single women over 30 have higher levels of education, occupation, and Church activity than single men. For example, never-married women over 30 are more likely to have four years of college (42 percent compared to 18 percent for never-married men) and professional occupations (70 percent compared to 38 percent)" (Goodman and Heaton, pp. 90-91). Goodman and Heaton conclude that "marriage to an active male is demographically impossible for many active single females over 30. And even when there are available males, they may possess other characteristics that rule them out as potential mates. Obviously, marriage is not a universal solution to singleness if the only acceptable marital option is marriage to an active LDS partner" (p. 91). Single to the Glory, Teresa Holladay Copyright © 1999 Plano, Texas All rights reserved Second Edition 2002 Aurora, Colorado |
This is why I stated before that I would probably have to look outside the church to find a potential mate -- changing expectations, rather than lowering expectations -- out of necessity.
| Message Edited! Here is the link. You will have to join the Yahoo group called "single encouragers" which Sister Holladay hosts. https://f6.grp.yahoofs.com/v1/AMQHQ6e2t9gjM...rces%202002.pdf |
Edited: FarSeer on 21st Aug, 2005 - 1:08amBefore Long How
Thanks for the copy of the article. It was very enlightening. My thoughts on the entire subject is that one should NEVER lower their expectations. Of course that is easier said than done; this could mean remaining single.
I have two nieces that are a good example on this very subject. One is a single mother, and the other a divorced mother. Neither have even come close to being married, let alone being in a serious relationship, for the past 10 years. BOth are very active members in the church. When I ask them about their dating situations, here is what I have learned:
It seems that a big part of the problem is time. They have high standards, and as any LDS woman should expect, wants to find a mate that matches their level of standards. The problem is not so much that they can't find someone that meets their expectations, it is more a problem of allocation of personal resources. It takes time to date various men in order to weed out the wrong ones. It takes effort to meet new men. And as single moms, both time and effort are in short demand. They both are working full time to support their families. They both are also going back to school in order to become better providers for their families. Then add to that equation the personal resources it takes to be a full-time single parent, and you begin to see the dilemma. With the limited time and energy, I can see how a single mother would choose to put that time and energy into bettering herself, her education, her job and her children, which leaves VERY little for finding a suitable mate.
It is interesting how this seems to be the opposite for men. Most men, with exceptions of course, do not have their children full-time. So many of the concerns that burden a single mother does not exist with a single father. This leaves him the time, resources and energy to focus more attention towards finding a soul mate.
Larry
TOPIC: How Long Before.