Reflections on your mother
Reflections on your mother....
Suddenly, there is a sadness in me. I don't show it, at least I don't think I do, not like my mother did. But I understand it. Life is finite and death is forever. She had all brothers, all soldiers. And then her husband too went off to war. Now they are gone, between the lines of someone else's song. She understood death. Better than most; the purpose for it. That's why sometimes she would sit, staring off into the wind. There was nothing to be done for her. Her life had become fuel. The truth of it is not easy to take. But she could take it, she just had to let time wash her. And then she would be her cheery loving self again. Or was she being herself when she was alone. Was she herself only underneath the cheer and the love? Is that the lie that mothers must make up, to give up their own lives to time so that their children may live; so that I must live? I don't blame her if it is. How could I? She was who she chose to be and that is why I am me.
Her way was not the wrong way. But I reject it. I won't stand and stare so that others may live. She toiled with her hands and toiled with her heart to give me what I needed to grow. Thank you mother, I now choose to put the strength you gave me to good use. No one will look to my life and sigh. I don't want a sad maid sending forlorn looks my way. No mother, you raised me for a reason, not to be you, and not to be father, but to be better. I have to believe you would want no less from me. You sacrificed your life, not in the ways that soldiers do, but in a much deeper and crushing way.
You also taught me of evil. Be not afraid that I am thinking only of myself. I know what good is I thank you. And I plan on marking my path with good deeds so that you can find it from the stars.
I feel the feeling of you fading. I know your strength is in me and it is why your memory feels so weak. I don't know if I will feel or remember you ever again as strongly as I do now. If I never see your face again, in my dreams, or in afterlives to come, keep with you this moment, when I knew all that you gave.
I feel her now slipping away, am I still asleep and only waking, or am I becoming a person more removed from my childhood self, and from her? It doesn't matter now. Let love transcend knowledge and time and life, and let hers reflect on the glint of spyglass. I am looking forward now.