Comments: Being physically, mentally and emotionally disabled really sucks. If it wasn’t for certain people in my life I would have ended my life long time ago. Everyone tells me to be positive and look for the good in people. People say that I will find someone some day. Just be patient and soon it will happen.
I get you need to be happy with with yourself before anything else. I get it everyone. But you have never been in my shoes. I’ve been through a lot my whole life. I’ve seen, heard and dealt with a lot throughout my 30+ years of living. You don’t know what is going on in my head. I have seemed out counseling and seen psychiatrist and psychological therapist and tried meeting new people. I have seen what that did to me. Especially when I lost my parents who cared about me at age 33. I’ve seen how I’ve been treated by my own adopted family. I have a better relationship with my biological family even though this year I did not speak much with them.
Throughout my childhood it wasn’t all happy. I was picked on a lot growing up in and out of school and socializing wasn’t that easy. Yes I hung around with people at football games or school dances. But I did not have friends over at the house. I mostly went over peoples houses by foot. Most of the time I walked 1-2 miles or more just to hang out with someone. It did not matter if it rained, snowed, heat or cold. I was always either at home or walking around all types of weather (When I turned 16).
Did I have a perfect childhood? No. Most of the time I got bullied and in trouble for stupid things. Because I followed in the wrong footsteps. Now at 37. You see why I’m the way I am. So much trauma. So much hurt. So much pain. This is why I’m antisocial and stay home. Some say I have PTSD. Maybe I do. Maybe I need medication to fix me. But my mom used to say medicine isn’t that good for me. I’ve been over drugged before. I’ve been under drugged too. There is no balance.
You know I am who I am because I chose to be that way. Some have tried to change me. What did that do? It caused more problems than helping me. It caused some people to not want to be around me. Blamed me for everything. I hurt because I seen and been through stuff I never want to remember. I get flashbacks sometimes of things I like to forget about. I’ve blocked most of my life out of my head and now I can’t remember the good stuff too.
Being me is not fun. Being me is not easy. It’s hard having a physical, mental and emotional disability. I had people say I am a lot of work and they are too tired after taking care of me. Hey I’ve been there too. Nobody is perfect. I yell at god sometimes because I felt like I was a mistake in life. But there are people who are worse than me. I understand that. Plus they say god doesn’t make mistakes. Everyone has a purpose in life. We will never know what it is. I get a lot of ew. You’re ugly. Your fat (Now that I’m heavier than a few years ago). Some even make weird faces at me. Call me names and more. It’s hurtful sometimes. Sometimes to the point of me crying. I feel like I’m better off in my home. Because I don’t have anyone to make fun of me or other things.
Yes I have people who care about me. But nobody checks on me. Comes over to hang out (Other than my caregivers). No text or calls. I sometimes the one to text or call or send cards or letters to others.
I just want what everyone else has.
Sorry for this rant. I will shut up now.