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Who Comes First?

Ive noticed that in my relationships with the opposite sex...i tend to put my own well being first...for example, if i think i am not being treated with the same consideration and respect i show the other person, i tend to speak about it with them once, then maybe a second time (if need be)..but if nothing comes out of it..i end the relationship. This gives others the impression that i am "emotionally unavailable".

On the flip-side, when it comes to my family and friends, i put myself second, and i am sometimes taken advantage of...which gives family and friends the impression that im a "softie"

My question is...who comes first in your life?...do you live to please yourself first?..or are you one of those people who please everyone before looking after your own well being. For those of you who are married...how have your views about this changed from the days when you were unwed?

First Who

Excellent question.

Within my marriage, I should put my wife first, then my children, then myself. However, I probably put myself first far too often. Since I haven't sought to develop any other close relationships (read dating) for about 20 years, that is all I can offer.

NightHawk

Who Comes First? Health & Special Psychology

I think if everyone put the other person first, we would all be much happier. I know that is the best method in a marriage. The husband put's the wife first and the wife puts the husband first. Trouble is, with human nature being what it is, this is a very difficult standard to maintain. It only works if both practice it. If only one does it then the one who always puts the other's needs first, gets taken advantage of.

I think my natural inclination is similar to cookie's. I put myself first alot of the time in my personal relationships with men, but tend to put others first when they are family and friends. Very much the opposite of how it should be, in my opinion.

Edited: tenaheff on 9th Mar, 2004 - 9:52pm

First Who

For me to answer this I would have to know what you mean by 'who comes first'. In other words... comes first in what aspect? Reason being is I think the answer is more complexed. If we use this... ' live to please yourself first' then in my thinking, my wife and son would come first if let's say we had only one slice of bread left to eat... they would of course eat and I would not care about myself.

However, at the same time if it were a question of my family wants to do something fun, but I have a headache, then I would say I need to lay down... fun later. I have tried to do it the other way around and I found it to not only be unbearable, but really it makes things worst, since you may become sick or pass up an important opportunity to make things better for your family.

In other words I may see my role as really seeing about myself in order that I might better serve my family, but sometimes the family may see it as seeing about self. This is applicable to many situations of life in all kinds of relationships.

Another simple example... you may choose to do something for yourself that enables you to work better (like read a good book during breaks), but your employer does not see it that way and thinks you are just thinking about yourself and wasting company time or not socializing enough.

I do not know if I making sense... putting many thoughts to words on some days can be a challenge.

First Who

Makes very good sense to me, JB, I understand what you mean. That was my answer

I do tend to put my family first when it comes to necessities -- I'm always the last one to get new shoes or go to the doctor, for example. Although, as far as going to the doctor, I really should go as soon as I can so that I can take care of my family, but I forget about that sometimes.

In relationships, I have in the past always placed the man ahead of everything else -- that's the way I was taught growing up. I know now that that's not always how it should be, because they will definitely take advantage of that situation.

In my opinion, of course.
Roz

Who Comes First?

Well I have always put other's needs above my own first. Like with my kids, they always come first and then everyone else comes second and then I come last. But like cookie said, even I find myself being taken advantage of by a few friends.

Who First

This is a very difficult and yet interesting question.

When I was single, I tried very hard to please everyone and of course, I was very unhappy. Then my mother asked me why I kept trying so hard to please others and neglect my own needs. I thought about it for a while and realised that at the time, I felt it was the right thing to do. In those days, I adopted the philosophy, if they were happy, I would be happy too. However, that was never the case.

As I grew older and started dating, I slowly learned the importance of putting myself first, before others because if I didn't, people would take advantage of me. After I got married, I understood the true meaning of love and my perspective changed. Instead of putting myself first, I have decided to put my hubby first because I knew he genuinely loved me and was concerned about my welfare.

Who First Psychology Special & Health

In order to put my spouse and family first and truly care for their needs I must put myself first. By that I mean, if my needs are not met I am incapable of meeting the needs of others. At least not for long. I would do anything for my husband and children. But if my well is dry, so to speak, I have nothing left to give. You have to find a balance. If you constantly give, give, give without getting anything back in return before long you become incapable of giving any more. The ideal relationship is a 100/10 split. Sometimes the wife gives 100% and the husband gives 10%. Next time it is the husband giving 100% and the wife giving 10%. Sometimes the are both giving it all. It is when you have both giving nothing that you run into problems. One of the biggest causes of divorce is selfishness in one form or another.