Geared for: Anyone
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God the Father as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They are given the task, and began to type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan indignantly protests, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well, then," Says God, "Let us see if Jesus fared any better."Jesus enters a command and the screen comes to life with a vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"
God chuckles, "Satan, when are you going to learn ...Jesus saves!"
One day the Utah basketball coach was playing a team down in Florida and well as he was wandering around the coliseam he looked off in this corner and he seen a telephone behind a heavy fence this perplexed him so he asked the custodian what it was. Â and the custodian said it was a telephone that went to heavenly father. Â but it cost 500.00 to use. Well he thought and said why not so he talked for awhile and hung up not thinking any more about it.
Then the next city he was playing in was new york and he thought and looked around the coluseam and sure enough there was another telephone behind a fence and so he asked the custodian about it and he said the it was a direct line to heavenly father and it would cost 350.00 well the coach thought and decided to try it. And so after awhile he hung up and didn't think any more about it.
Well then he had to come back to utah and he thought about those phones so he asked the custodian about it and the custodian said yes we have one over there but it will cost Â 35 cents to use. And the coach asked why so little, and the custodian said ,(Are you ready), its a local call.
A reverend, a rabbi, and a Catholic priest were arguing about the proper way to pray. The rabbi said, "We stand and raise our arms and faces to the heavens and pray. That is the proper stance for prayer." The catholic priest said, "We kneel, bow our heads, and put our hands together next to our heart when we pray. That is the proper position for prayer." The reverend said, "We sit or stand with our heads bowed, and our hands together interlocking our fingers when we pray. That is the proper way to pray."
Listening to this argument, a telephone repairman was atop a pole doing his work when suddenly his landyard broke. His foot got tangled in the straps and was hanging upside when he cried out, "I don't know about you guys, but I think this is a REALLY good position to pray from!!"
Â One day as Noah was loading the animals into the ark one of his sons looked down from the upper deck and saw his father loading 4 African knews into the ark and so he called out "Dad why are you loading 4 African knews into the ark" And his father looked up at him and said,"Well son we now have good knews and bad knews". Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â
Get it? Good news bad news.
An aunt of mine was teaching Sunday School. She was telling the youngsters about Daniel and the Lion's Den. She had a picture of Daniel standing brave and confident with a group of lions around him. One of the little eight-year-old girls started to cry. The teacher said, "Don't cry. The lions are not going to eat Daniel." The girl said, "That's not what I'm crying about. That little lion over in the corner is not going to get any."
- Saunders Guerrant, Roanoke, VA -
The Preacher Joke Book, edited by Loyal Jones, p. 65
What did the rabbi who owned Burger King say to customers when they came in?
Yaweh right away.
A rabbi, the pope, and the Mormon Prophet, were out fishing. Things were going well and everyone was enjoying themselves.
The pope, being a little onery, brought up a topic from the New Testament. "So Christ walked on water and Peter walked on water. If we have enough faith we can walk on water as well."
To prove his point, the pope promptly stood up, climbed over the side of the boat, and walked to the shore a mile away. Once on the shore the pope promptly sat down and waited on the rabbi and the Mormon Prophet.
The rabbi was not about to be out done, so he stood up from his end of the boat, climbed out of the boat, and promptly fell into the water. After managing to get back in the boat, he sat there shivering and shaking his head. "It's not possible."
The Mormon prophet, checking on the rabbi and giving him warm blankets and some hot chocolate to drink, made sure the rabbi was comfortable, and leaped out of the boat and promptly walked across the water to chastise the pope.
Upon reaching the shore, the pope his tied up in fits of laughter. The mormon Prophet just stands there waiting for the pope to recompose himself. After he stops laughing, the pope looks at the Mormon Prophet, "Should we tell the rabbi about the stones?"
The Mormon Prophet looks at the pope and says, "Seriously you had to use stones? Could you not have done it as real men of God do it? Stones in deed."