lol. The last one I posted had a part about employee lunch breaks, but it made references to skinny and normal people and something about Slim fast. I didn't want people thinking I was making fun of their weight or anything like that. So I thought it would be best to take that part out. ;)
Whose Money?
Late one night in the capitol city a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money!" he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this -- I'm a U.S. Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"
The man noticed that the chicken had three legs. So he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs.
He asked the farmer, "What's up with these chickens?"
The farmer said "Well, everybody likes chicken legs, so I bred a three-legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire." The man asked him how they tasted. The farmer said, "Don't know, haven't caught one yet."
Things to Do When You Are Completely Bored At the Mall...
*Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.
*Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
*Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.
*At the bottom of an escalator, scream 'MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!'
*Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King...
*...but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're 'astronaut food'.
*Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, 'You mean you really can't see it?'
*Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.
*Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.
*Test mattresses in your pajamas.
*If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.
*Sprint up the down escalator.
*Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they too, can see the 'hidden picture'.
*Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.
*Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.
*Rummage through the jellybean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.
*In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, 'I see London, I see France...'
*Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.
*Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.
*Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing 'Saved by the Bell'. Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.
*'Play' the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.
*Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.
*Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they're real.
*Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say 'Domino's.'
*Show people your driver's license and demand to know 'whether they've seen this person.'
Some silly jokes to make you smile or go 'boo, hiss' ;)
How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It
How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It
What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese
What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses
What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk
What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite
What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck
What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef
Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him
Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers
Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.