Signs You Are In An Abusive Relationship - Page 3 of 8

Thanks for sharing your storie Agene, it brought - Page 3 - Psychology, Philosophy, Special Needs - Posted: 23rd May, 2004 - 12:34am

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Best of  Signs In An Abusive Relationship Do you suffer abuse want to brush it off as being normal or OK? Well, it isn't and you need to know the signs so you do not continue to live under such torment.
Post Date: 20th Nov, 2003 - 2:01pm / Post ID: #


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Signs You Are In An Abusive Relationship - Page 3

QUOTE
nd then he would go right back to his old behavior.  She finally left for good after he beat her so severely that she nearly lost her left eye.  But she was devastated -- she loved him!


This is what I cannot comprehend at all! the guy almost take out her eye and she says she 'loves' him? Please somebody explain me this because I don't understand, I have seen women with marks all over their body and when you ask why they stay in the relationship, they dont usually say because they're afraid but because 'I love him'! Is this love or we are all nuts??!!



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Post Date: 20th Nov, 2003 - 3:03pm / Post ID: #


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Relationship Abusive In You Signs

QUOTE
This is what I cannot comprehend at all! the guy almost take out her eye and she says she 'loves' him? Please somebody explain me this because I don't understand,....


I can explain it, but I don't know if I can make you understand it.

Many studies have shown that children raised in abusive homes grow up in most cases to be abusers themselves or victims of abuse.  I know from personal experience that this is true.  I cannot explain exactly why and it isn't something I am proud of, but I know that if my ex-husband had hit me, my first reaction would not have been to leave.

Now, think about it for a minute.  I grew up in a home where my father hit his wife under certain circumstances.  If I decide to leave my husband because he hit me, to whom do I turn for support?  My father, who believes it is o.k. to hit your wife under certain situations?  My mother, who also lived with this abuse, but didn't leave?  (BTW, my mother did leave, but I continued to live with my father who continued to hit his other wives - my stepmothers - I had two - not at the same time  ;) )  

I remember once, telling my father I would leave my husband if he ever hit me.  My father's response was "you probably deserve to be hit."  Now, my father is not a terrible person.  His behavior in this situation was terrible, but in many other ways he is a very loving good man.  When he would drink he would get abusive to his wife.  He doesn't drink any more and so to my knowledge this is no longer happening in his marriage.  I love my father deeply.  I care what he thinks of me.  It is easy to say I should just leave, but the statistics bear me out that I probably wouldn't.

I have tried to break the cycle, but it has been a life long process.  I do believe if I had been a man, I would have abused my wife also, in my younger days.  I think I have overcome that part of my personality now, but when I was in my 20's, I easily could lose my temper.  I never abused my husband because he was bigger than me, but what if I were the husband and had a smaller wife, I believe I would have hit her.  It is what I learned in my home.  Yes, we can change, but it takes time.

My son has an incredible temper.  I have made it clear to him that I will disown him if he ever strikes a woman.  I hope that is enough to keep him in line.  Also, he didn't grow up seeing spousal abuse, so even though he has a large temper, he wasn't raised to think it is o.k. to hit a woman so I hope I don't need to worry about this.  I do know that although he can sometimes yell, he has never struck his son ever.  Not even a swat on the butt to tell him to stop something or even a slap on the hand.

Now, my sister who also lived in the house with me after my parents divorced, and my stepsister who lived with us, when my father married her mother, have both been in abusive relationships.  They both eventually got out, but not immediately.

Self-esteem also plays a big part in this.  In my case, I know I am a difficult person to live with at times.  I am moody and controlling at times.  Unlike what you see in the movies, in my experience, a man doesn't just come home from work and beat you up because you burned the rice.  Maybe that happens, but I haven't seen it.  In my father's case, it would be in the middle of some kind of an argument or disagreement.  So, if it were me, I would probably be thinking I should have just shut up or not gotten so directly in his face or something else, so I would take on some of the responsibility for what had happened.

Also, I know from personal experience that you don't just stop loving someone because they do something to hurt you whether physical or emotional, love is something you get over, but it doesn't just leave immediately.

I think that women who leave the first time it happens are most likely women who did not come from abusive households themselves.  

I am sorry this is so long, but I didn't know a short way to attempt an explanation.



Post Date: 22nd May, 2004 - 12:55pm / Post ID: #


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Signs You Are In An Abusive Relationship Needs Special & Philosophy Psychology

What about when a husband or a boyfriend calls constantly on the phone to check on the person? I mean lots of times, some women see that as 'caring' but to me it is very controling and a sign of a possible abusive relationship.



Post Date: 22nd May, 2004 - 5:42pm / Post ID: #

AGene
Signs You Are In An Abusive Relationship
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Page 3 Relationship Abusive In You Signs

It is controlling, manipulating and abusive. Of course the women see it as caring. IF they saw it as controlling they would be out of there fast.

I wasn't raised in an abusive or even a controlling home. My parents shared equally in parenting, teaching and loving us children. I have agonized for years as to why and how I ended up in an abusive and controlling marriage. Yet we were also very sheltered. I never dated until I left home at 18. My older sisters have never dated and they are 58 & 55 and of course single.

When my husband called me all the time, he was sweet talking, lovey-dovey, and to me at the time, I saw it as he was so in love with me that he just couldn't stand to be away from me. He also fed into that fantasy. But in reality he was manipulating and controlling me. If I didn't answer the phone, he would sweetly ask why. If it was because I was vacuuming and didn't hear the phone then all was well. But if it was because I was out of the house, then it would depend on what I said I had been doing. If it was to mail a letter to his mother, then that was okay. But if it was to just walk or shop then he would turn it into being not loyal.

Over the years he became more controlling. He controlled what was watched on TV, who we were friends with, even to how I was supposed to vote and think and feel about politics, religion and current events. He even decided what job I would do, where I would work and even how I would do that job!

The last five years of our marriage he worked out of town. He was no longer controlling the TV, the phone conversations, who I visited with or even the letters I wrote. I also had a computer and e-mail. He never could figure out the email thing, so through correspondence with new girlfriends, in watching what I wanted to on TV (the Woman's Channel, 60 minutes, 20-20 mostly), I learned. I learned that my life was NOT NORMAL. That I was being manipulated and had been from the very beginning. I learned that I was not dumb, stupid. That I had a sense of humor, and that I had my own opinions. I grew up, matured and learned that I could change my life.

When I came to the realization that he would not change, that in fact he saw nothing wrong in what he was doing, how he treated me. That is when I plotted to leave him. When he got physically abusive, then I escalated the plans.

Once I was out of the house and into my own little rental home, he pretty much ignored me. He never followed through with any of his threats or promises. Now when I think back over our life together ~ he had never followed through with any of his promises or threats to me then either. It was always the implied threat that *Kept me in check* I truly fear pain and more than that I fear *rejection*. He knew this and utilized it against me. No, that is not love, that is Control ~ Manipulation.

Attached Image Edited: AGene on 22nd May, 2004 - 5:45pm

Post Date: 22nd May, 2004 - 6:49pm / Post ID: #


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Relationship Abusive In You Signs

Thanks for sharing. I wonder if the best thing is prevention rather than cure? Should we train our children with the signs? How do you teach a young teen heart to decipher those tingling feels they get? I believe it comes from building immense trust with your child so when you make out the abuser (that they have chosen as a potential mate) and give a hint to your child then they too also believe and do not become 'spellbound'. How was it in your case Agene? The Church does encourage group dating so teens can build the necessary social skills, but I wonder if that is enough.



Post Date: 22nd May, 2004 - 9:16pm / Post ID: #

AGene
Signs You Are In An Abusive Relationship
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Signs You Are In An Abusive Relationship

I don't know what the answer would be. Had my mother not been 1000 miles away, or had there been informative programs on TV at the time I was still at home and had we shared together what we saw, Mom and myself I mean, then perhaps I would have known manipulation and control when it was being aimed at me.

I feel very strongly that families should watch these type of programs together, then discuss it afterwards. I remember when I saw the Movie The Burning Bed, the first time. Oh how I identified with the victim. I would never have done that, killed my abuser. But I identified with her so very much.

Even when families feel that all is well with their children, they should still talk about abuse. Not only abuse either, but about everything. When the children know that they can talk to and be listened to by their parents, then their chances of having a happy and healthy adulthood are increased.

Abuse just wasn't in the forefront when I was growing up. Remember back then it was okay to spank your children. Spousal abuse was seen, but tolerated. The social attitude was: It's his wife, she probably deserves it. OR Man, if my wife talked to me like that I would knock her into next year.

QUOTE
I wonder if the best thing is prevention rather than cure?

Absolutely JB, by prevention I think that education is the answer. In this day and age, with absolutely everything being televised. The opportunities abound for the parent to pick the best teaching opportunity and to reinforce the good things. It does mean that parents have to study and put forth lots of effort. But parenting is much more that concieving, giving birth, and putting food in front of said child. Parenting is probably the hardest job one will ever have. It also doesn't end when the child reaches a certain age either. It never ends.

Mom always said that she was a Lady for 9 months and a Mother for the rest of her life. And she preferred it that way. ;)

Post Date: 22nd May, 2004 - 9:32pm / Post ID: #


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Page 3 Signs You In Abusive Relationship

Great post AGene, I do think parents or guardians are the key, but the media is doing a good job where parents are not, but still the abused still have to take notice.

Here is something interesting to think about, and I am not sure if I shared it already, but here goes... a boy grew up being abused by his father (not sexually), for everytime he did something wrong his father would wack his bum with his belt seven times. The boy grew up to become a criminal and killed someone. He was caught, tried and sentenced to death. On his death bed his mother was there and he asked (now that he saw how he was abused so much) why she did nothing to stop his father from beating him so much. The mother responded, I tired, your father wanted to hit you 14 times, but I told him I would take it, and your father decided to give me 7 and you 7.

Now isn't that just sad? The mother's lack of responsibility caused her son to also suffer unnecessary abuse. If only she had done more, but that is just it I guess, the abused thinks... 'I cannot do more, this is just how it is'.



Post Date: 23rd May, 2004 - 12:34am / Post ID: #


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Signs You In Abusive Relationship - Page 3

Thanks for sharing your storie Agene, it brought tears to my eyes just to think how much you went through. I may contact you later since I am planning a Home and Enrichment meeting about Marriages and I definetly plan to talk about Abuse, I want to talk with the sisters about it because I see several of them being abused right now and they cannot see it.



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