|nd then he would go right back to his old behavior. She finally left for good after he beat her so severely that she nearly lost her left eye. But she was devastated -- she loved him!|
|This is what I cannot comprehend at all! the guy almost take out her eye and she says she 'loves' him? Please somebody explain me this because I don't understand,....|
What about when a husband or a boyfriend calls constantly on the phone to check on the person? I mean lots of times, some women see that as 'caring' but to me it is very controling and a sign of a possible abusive relationship.
It is controlling, manipulating and abusive. Of course the women see it as caring. IF they saw it as controlling they would be out of there fast.
I wasn't raised in an abusive or even a controlling home. My parents shared equally in parenting, teaching and loving us children. I have agonized for years as to why and how I ended up in an abusive and controlling marriage. Yet we were also very sheltered. I never dated until I left home at 18. My older sisters have never dated and they are 58 & 55 and of course single.
When my husband called me all the time, he was sweet talking, lovey-dovey, and to me at the time, I saw it as he was so in love with me that he just couldn't stand to be away from me. He also fed into that fantasy. But in reality he was manipulating and controlling me. If I didn't answer the phone, he would sweetly ask why. If it was because I was vacuuming and didn't hear the phone then all was well. But if it was because I was out of the house, then it would depend on what I said I had been doing. If it was to mail a letter to his mother, then that was okay. But if it was to just walk or shop then he would turn it into being not loyal.
Over the years he became more controlling. He controlled what was watched on TV, who we were friends with, even to how I was supposed to vote and think and feel about politics, religion and current events. He even decided what job I would do, where I would work and even how I would do that job!
The last five years of our marriage he worked out of town. He was no longer controlling the TV, the phone conversations, who I visited with or even the letters I wrote. I also had a computer and e-mail. He never could figure out the email thing, so through correspondence with new girlfriends, in watching what I wanted to on TV (the Woman's Channel, 60 minutes, 20-20 mostly), I learned. I learned that my life was NOT NORMAL. That I was being manipulated and had been from the very beginning. I learned that I was not dumb, stupid. That I had a sense of humor, and that I had my own opinions. I grew up, matured and learned that I could change my life.
When I came to the realization that he would not change, that in fact he saw nothing wrong in what he was doing, how he treated me. That is when I plotted to leave him. When he got physically abusive, then I escalated the plans.
Once I was out of the house and into my own little rental home, he pretty much ignored me. He never followed through with any of his threats or promises. Now when I think back over our life together ~ he had never followed through with any of his promises or threats to me then either. It was always the implied threat that *Kept me in check* I truly fear pain and more than that I fear *rejection*. He knew this and utilized it against me. No, that is not love, that is Control ~ Manipulation.
Edited: AGene on 22nd May, 2004 - 5:45pm
Thanks for sharing. I wonder if the best thing is prevention rather than cure? Should we train our children with the signs? How do you teach a young teen heart to decipher those tingling feels they get? I believe it comes from building immense trust with your child so when you make out the abuser (that they have chosen as a potential mate) and give a hint to your child then they too also believe and do not become 'spellbound'. How was it in your case Agene? The Church does encourage group dating so teens can build the necessary social skills, but I wonder if that is enough.
I don't know what the answer would be. Had my mother not been 1000 miles away, or had there been informative programs on TV at the time I was still at home and had we shared together what we saw, Mom and myself I mean, then perhaps I would have known manipulation and control when it was being aimed at me.
I feel very strongly that families should watch these type of programs together, then discuss it afterwards. I remember when I saw the Movie The Burning Bed, the first time. Oh how I identified with the victim. I would never have done that, killed my abuser. But I identified with her so very much.
Even when families feel that all is well with their children, they should still talk about abuse. Not only abuse either, but about everything. When the children know that they can talk to and be listened to by their parents, then their chances of having a happy and healthy adulthood are increased.
Abuse just wasn't in the forefront when I was growing up. Remember back then it was okay to spank your children. Spousal abuse was seen, but tolerated. The social attitude was: It's his wife, she probably deserves it. OR Man, if my wife talked to me like that I would knock her into next year.
|I wonder if the best thing is prevention rather than cure?|
Great post AGene, I do think parents or guardians are the key, but the media is doing a good job where parents are not, but still the abused still have to take notice.
Here is something interesting to think about, and I am not sure if I shared it already, but here goes... a boy grew up being abused by his father (not sexually), for everytime he did something wrong his father would wack his bum with his belt seven times. The boy grew up to become a criminal and killed someone. He was caught, tried and sentenced to death. On his death bed his mother was there and he asked (now that he saw how he was abused so much) why she did nothing to stop his father from beating him so much. The mother responded, I tired, your father wanted to hit you 14 times, but I told him I would take it, and your father decided to give me 7 and you 7.
Now isn't that just sad? The mother's lack of responsibility caused her son to also suffer unnecessary abuse. If only she had done more, but that is just it I guess, the abused thinks... 'I cannot do more, this is just how it is'.
Thanks for sharing your storie Agene, it brought tears to my eyes just to think how much you went through. I may contact you later since I am planning a Home and Enrichment meeting about Marriages and I definetly plan to talk about Abuse, I want to talk with the sisters about it because I see several of them being abused right now and they cannot see it.