|QUOTE (LDS_forever @ 25-Oct 03, 5:45 AM)|
I understand what you all are saying what I cannot comprehend is why if someone is being beated every day and even have black eyes or worst things they cannot see that as an abuse??? why they don't listen when their friends or family try to tell them and help them? why they get angry at their families and they defend their partners even when maybe the guy is abusing her own children! I cannot understand it!
I understand what it feels like to love someone who is abusive. I was with someone for four years who tried to change me, he called it "converting me." He told me that I made a mistake being born white, among other things. I did not know how to get out of the relationship. He told me he would kill himself if I broke up with him. I did not know how to react, so I stayed with him because I did not want him to hurt. I did not want to cause him pain. I really felt like everything that went wrong was my fault. I lost so many friends because I isolated myself. I was his and his alone. I could not even go to lunch with my mother because he thought that I was sleeping with someone else. It is so hard to leave someone that you invest so much time in. I felt so empty when I finally ended it. He was all I had, he made sure of that. So it was really hard for me to move on.
But there a thin line between abuse and "normal" behavior. All my girlfriends ( and I know that is universal) wanted to extend their control as far as they could. They always wanted to know more about who do I spend my time and how, what do i do with my money, if I can spend less time with my friends ,etc. I can tell you much more but everybody can look at his/her relationship and point something the is not in order . The thing is, that is life, there are some compromises you have to do when you are with someone. In some degree or another I had to deal with all the symptoms of an abuse (as stated in the beginning of the thread) but never complain...because they did not cross that border.
I feel much pressure from my current girlfriend (she is a evil one) but that is part of her charm. Maybe some day I will have enough but still can not talk about abuse.(Not in a bad way :).
I think some of the signs is when you do not realise you're being abused, when you talk about someone being abused and do not realise you're in the same or worst situation than them...when you start justifying and blaming others for the mistakes of your partner.
Kids definately change the way you look at the relationship. My wife was not a physical abuser or else I probably would be to embarrased to talk about it. She instead was a mental abuser. Talking crazy and doing crazy things such as not coming home for days. Well I wanted my children to have both their mother and father so much that my relationship was not as important. As long as we were together with the kids then I was okay. They were always with me anyway and I can't spend a day away from them. I realized that if she was never there anyway then why should I be her safe house when she felt like being safe. The main point is that my kids being the most important thing in my life affected my decisions. My father asked me, what was I going to do when they grew up? Thats when I woke up.
I have been through a little abuse my self and I got out of it as soon as I realized I was in it. It is not very fun knowing that you loved that person and that can happen to anyone so I know how some of you feel.
Persephone: use proper grammar here.
Recently I have been watching some people that are in abusive relationships. an example of one is the way the abuser speaks harshly or arrogantly at the victim, and yet the victim sees it as normal. "That's how he is" and a shake of a head shows that the person has 'accepted' the treatment dished out to them. The best way to help the person recognize what is going on to them is to speak to them in the same or similar manner and then see if they react when it is you and not the abuser. The reaction will tell if there is still hope.
Ok, I hope I can be honest here. I feel a bit scared of myself now. I don't mean I qualify for everything, but I can see many things that I've done in that list. I broke up with my last girlfriend, and our relation was going exactly that way. I am so scared because I don't know until where I can control myself. Please, I am just being honest, it's not easy for me to say this, so I really don't need impolite and rude replies to me, ok? If I am replying, and writing this, it's because I have seen my own mistakes so there is no need to point them out again. But I am open to advices. Specially because my ex girlfriend is 7 months pregnant, and I am really worried I might be a bad father. I already love the baby and I am scared she might not like me. Any advices 9sorry, if this is the wrong place to post this, I am new here)