|But I am open to advices. Specially because my ex girlfriend is 7 months pregnant, and I am really worried I might be a bad father.|
|The best way to help the person recognize what is going on to them is to speak to them in the same or similar manner and then see if they react when it is you and not the abuser. The reaction will tell if there is still hope.|
Just a short story of mine...
I had an ex who was sweet and loving in a point that my parents adored him. Everything had always been a 'yes', 'ok', 'sure' thing; but little did anyone knew, I was suffering deep inside.
I went over to his place once and while I was half asleep, he stripped me and forced himself in me. I tried to call for help, tried to scream, tried to push him away but the pain got worse and last I remembered was having everything fading in my eyes.
For Your Information, I was nearly raped by my best friend's father 10 years ago and this additional situation had caused me to feel worthless and useless. The situation went on nearly everyday for the next 6 months; in a point I no longer feel much of a pain and just be ready for anything possible that would happen when he's around.
I finally got up and woke up, realizing that this is not a life that was meant for me. I had issues dealing with myself but I dumped him n my parents decided not to question my choice.
Between the duration of the breakup until end of last year, I made various mistakes and jumped into anything I thought might help. Went to gym n overexert my body, slept with anyone I thought was sincere. Name it, I might have just done it.
The lesson I learn from these was that we all attract the people that our emotions, mind and personality are accustomed to. For example, if I feel like a victim, I tend to attract an abuser / rapist; and the more we think of it, the stronger the attraction turns into one.
It will come to a point that you feel/think that this was the only life that was meant for you. Truth be told, if we really did decide to step out of this, learn to change the habit of our thoughts, we'll see a different part of life and that's where everything is worth living for.
We can open up and talk our issues out, but if we are only gonna complain bout how we're being treated and not make a real change, nobody can help us no matter how hard they try. I believe each of us have the strength to be the person we want to be; especially victims of this sort. Believe in yourself cause I know I did. (smile)
Wow! ldsniowa I really wish I had this list 8 years ago. It would have saved me a lot of heartache. I am still in recovery mode from an abusive relationship that I had 8 years ago. And after hearing all of these stories, I wish I could say that I feel better, but truthfully I feel worse for all of the people who are still in the situation.
Like some of the others and in the words of funbikerchick 'I can explain it, but I don't know if I can make you understand it. '
I was never a violent type person, and though I was never particularly timid, I was rather submissive. My relationship lasted five years, three of which were nothing but bliss. My fiance was very attentive, dedicated and respected and explained very early in the relationship that he had very bad past experiences. I never had to worry about infidelity because he would leave for work in the early morning and come home no more than half hour after the day's work had been finished. We would talk about anything and everything and nothing for hours. In short, he was my best friend.
To have that kind of total commitment from someone was intoxicating to say the least. He would bring me flowers and teddy bears for no other reason than to say he loved me, and in harder times he would drop me to work in the mornings and pick me up from work in the evening. We would text each other more than 10 times during the day and if I failed to answer a text, he called. My girlfriends all envied the attention and to my parents, he was the perfect son-in-law.
So when I gradually realised that the price that I had to pay for a harmonious relationship was to be where we discussed that I would be at all times, that we visited friends that only met with his approval, (and yes 'we', because I simply would not be allowed to visit a friend on my own),and that no one was allowed to visit us, I gladly paid that price. I trumped it all up to insecurity issues and resolved that love would make him see reason. I was brought up to accept that a good spouse makes compromises.
The situation got worse, and I will not go into the details of just how bad it got, but I remember statements like 'don't do like everyone else and give up on me'.
Understand that I did not have a low self esteem, but felt needed, cherished and loved and later on, guilty. Yes, now when I look back, it is the feeling of guilt that stands out the most. Guilt for having left him even though I know in my heart that my decision was a right one.
I rationalized that the man I fell in love with was gone. I left him shortly after midnight on the dawn of a new year (I was certain that he was asleep after having gotten drunk during the old year celebration). I never again made contact, but I still miss the qualities of the man I fell in love with. I wish I could say that I have completely moved on, but I have felt no desire to get deeply involved with anyone since. I seem to have bad memory triggers that are activated by certain words or actions that guys say or do. A guy says relationship and I automatically think 'not interested'.
Vali - I know you consider yourself still in recovery, but I think you should also consider yourself lucky that you got out when you did.
I haven't had another relationship since leaving my husband 14 years ago - I can't believe it's been that long! - and I'm not really sure how much of that is just fear of making another wrong choice, even though I know the signs to look for, and how much is just relief that I don't have to deal with anything like that right now. My daughter is turning 13 this year, and I would hate to have a situation like that in these years she's so vulnerable.
Count your blessings, and I hope things will happen for you the way you want.
Comments: The problem with being in an abusive relationship is you don't realize just how abused you are until you're away from the person for a few days. That's why abusers like to keep tabs on you because they don't want you getting used to what its like to be in a happy environment.
I agree, EXCELLENT description of the abusive person in a relationship. I would add the person may begin with your belongings before the physical violence starts.
I'm sure this fits in one of the categories listed above, but I've noticed they set the partner up to achieve something they want -the "set up" may be either verbally or physically, placing them in a no-win position in order to intentionally start an argument where the 'victim' seems wrong, stupid, or otherwise less than 'should be' - they are placed in position of apology for something. The Abuser often uses this as excuse for their behavior or entire situation, perhaps a distraction from their own wrongful actions - MANIPULATIVE - caught ex-boyfriend setting me up for argument so he could leave and go out with friends. So, I just helped him on out the door.
Being manipulative in a subtle way is definitely an abuser's tactic that is over looked because the focus is placed on you instead of them. I just hope that when you try to point this out to a friend that they can see it because most times they don't!