I have seen many stages of women in abusive relationships. I know that many feel it is their fault and they will make all sorts of excuses for the abuser. Over time it progresses to the point that one ends up dead. I have gone in and separated couples fighting. I have arrested one half and charged them with abuse only to have the victim come in the next day and drop all charges in hopes that they can get them to stop being that way and change.
Many have said the same things over and over but the cycle never ends. The abuser will not change and the abuse will always get worse and worse. All I can say if someone is willing to put their hands on you, hurt you with actions or words. Then you need to get out and they need to get help. Never try to stay in this type of relationship. You will not win. I do know some of the signs and I try to step in if I see something that is not right. Many times I am told to mind my own business but if I can help someone then I have done some good.
Those signs are very good for an early warning of an abuser. Women must pay attention to them. I was in an abusive relationship before. Most of those signs were there but I had strong feelings for him. When he started being abusive I blamed myself for it. It was because of something I had done. I thought if I was a better girlfriend it would stop. Luckily I had a good friend who knew what was happening and helped me get away from that situation.
It was a long while before I would date again after that. When I do begin dating someone I do look for these signs. I don't ever want to go through that again. :(.
I've seen a lot of abuse cases. Most of the victims love the bully in the relationship that they are blinded to what is happening to them. Its a very sad situation almost like trying to get someone to stop using drugs.
Yes I can agree to that. They stay because they feel they will be lonely for the rest of their lives or get into a worse situation. The grass is not always greener but I would hope that more do find a way out of the constant abuse they suffer.
This was a topic I avoided looking at for a while when I was very willing to read anything else, and it's really no wonder. Denial is a huge part of abuse, especially emotional abuse, and I think as a child I denied that there was anything wrong with my parents' relationship because living in it was too painful for me to fully comprehend.
I grew up being told I "Had it good" and that my parents "Never fought". The reason for this was because my mother never argued with my father, and if something did happen she took the blame. Only now that I've been removed from the situation have I been able to tell that the reason was because his anger would make her far more unhappy than whatever the problem really was. In fact just before I left to live in another, this was the same dynamic I had with him.
Unfortunately someone who is very manipulative and emotional abusive is also charismatic, and can talk you into thinking that it was your fault, or that you were in the wrong. When I was fifteen I got into a one-year relationship with a sociopath that ended on my sixteenth birthday. I always have thought to myself, how did it happen, how did I get into that position and not realize what was happening, well the reason was probably because that was the dynamic my parents had.
When you love someone it is very, very easy to excuse their behavior. My mother sacrificed her sanity to keep her family together, and it almost resulted in her committing suicide. The end of high school was not easy for me because I became her confidant. That wasn't healthy, but frankly, nothing about my home life was.
And the reason I am here is because I got off the phone not long ago, being furious with my father, but I was the one who ended up apologizing because he went right to my mother when I sent him some angry text messages, and yelled at her. It's a complicated dynamic that resulted in me smoothing things over with him just to make things easier for her, and that's just not right. I realize over the course of my life I have conceded arguments if only to prevent him from being more angry, because he would make our lives unhappy. And he never raised a hand, he never had to.
Nothing is ever 'big' enough to point out, but all the little breaches in honesty over the years do add up. Far more than I could ever put into words. The only reason it is coming to this now is because his mental facilities are breaking down in one way or another and now he can no longer keep up the appearance of 'loving and protective husband and wife'. My mom has moved out and has a boyfriend, I am several states away, and he probably has onset of Alzheimers and now things are coming apart. Anything he does currently is blamed on him "Trying to deal with the divorce/separation" even though he himself is sort of seeing someone. There will always be excuses and reasons he will come up for his behavior.
My goal now will be to set up some kind of fund for my mother for food and the other essentials she is still partially relying on him for. All of this makes me extremely paranoid. I have a lot of power and at the same time I have no power. I am the only person who can make my father see reason, for the most part, but anything I do will be taken out on my mother. It's pretty depressing.
Something like this is never good. You need to get your mother away from him where he can not do anything to her or against her. Mental abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. I am one who would go get her and take her away from him to a place he would never find her. I would take you away from him to so he can never harm you either. Let him be lonely he deserves it for what he has done to both you and your mother not counting any other siblings that are involved. This is a hard burden for you to carry let some one take it off your shoulders.
I only have half siblings and the one who is closest to me has some pretty bad stories to tell. I am fine, I am pretty much completely removed from the situation. I am in a different state with family and I'll probably end up moving in with my boyfriend instead of moving back with family when the time comes. When I was in the situation I was willing to do whatever it took to keep my father from being angry or depressed, partially because I'm very empathic and sensitive to other's emotions. Once I was out of the situation I became much happier and less stressed, and had a lot of time to think about everything that had happened (And realize how wrong it is).
As for her, we will be working on that. The problem is money, really. She has a good paying job and that was hard to come by, to the point where we were almost all homeless. Her family never let her go to college so she doesn't have a degree or anything to fall back on.