Signs You Are In An Abusive Relationship
This was a topic I avoided looking at for a while when I was very willing to read anything else, and it's really no wonder. Denial is a huge part of abuse, especially emotional abuse, and I think as a child I denied that there was anything wrong with my parents' relationship because living in it was too painful for me to fully comprehend.
I grew up being told I "Had it good" and that my parents "Never fought". The reason for this was because my mother never argued with my father, and if something did happen she took the blame. Only now that I've been removed from the situation have I been able to tell that the reason was because his anger would make her far more unhappy than whatever the problem really was. In fact just before I left to live in another, this was the same dynamic I had with him.
Unfortunately someone who is very manipulative and emotional abusive is also charismatic, and can talk you into thinking that it was your fault, or that you were in the wrong. When I was fifteen I got into a one-year relationship with a sociopath that ended on my sixteenth birthday. I always have thought to myself, how did it happen, how did I get into that position and not realize what was happening, well the reason was probably because that was the dynamic my parents had.
When you love someone it is very, very easy to excuse their behavior. My mother sacrificed her sanity to keep her family together, and it almost resulted in her committing suicide. The end of high school was not easy for me because I became her confidant. That wasn't healthy, but frankly, nothing about my home life was.
And the reason I am here is because I got off the phone not long ago, being furious with my father, but I was the one who ended up apologizing because he went right to my mother when I sent him some angry text messages, and yelled at her. It's a complicated dynamic that resulted in me smoothing things over with him just to make things easier for her, and that's just not right. I realize over the course of my life I have conceded arguments if only to prevent him from being more angry, because he would make our lives unhappy. And he never raised a hand, he never had to.
Nothing is ever 'big' enough to point out, but all the little breaches in honesty over the years do add up. Far more than I could ever put into words. The only reason it is coming to this now is because his mental facilities are breaking down in one way or another and now he can no longer keep up the appearance of 'loving and protective husband and wife'. My mom has moved out and has a boyfriend, I am several states away, and he probably has onset of Alzheimers and now things are coming apart. Anything he does currently is blamed on him "Trying to deal with the divorce/separation" even though he himself is sort of seeing someone. There will always be excuses and reasons he will come up for his behavior.
My goal now will be to set up some kind of fund for my mother for food and the other essentials she is still partially relying on him for. All of this makes me extremely paranoid. I have a lot of power and at the same time I have no power. I am the only person who can make my father see reason, for the most part, but anything I do will be taken out on my mother. It's pretty depressing.