Signs You Are In An Abusive Relationship - Page 2 of 8

Thank you for sharing that with us, AGene. - Page 2 - Psychology, Philosophy, Special Needs - Posted: 19th Nov, 2003 - 5:26pm

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Post Date: 25th Oct, 2003 - 11:33pm / Post ID: #

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Signs You Are In An Abusive Relationship - Page 2

I understand what you all are saying what I cannot comprehend is why if someone is being beated every day and even have black eyes or worst things they cannot see that as an abuse??? why they don't listen when their friends or family try to tell them and help them? why they get angry at their families and they defend their partners even when maybe the guy is abusing her own children! I cannot understand it!

I don't really understand this either, this is something I did not experience.  But I do understand that actual beatings don't happen every single day.  It happens once in awhile, and the man is so apologetic and so sorry and so loving afterwards, some women -- and I think ldsniowa has this right -- have such low self esteem that they accept it.  The man can convince the woman that it's her fault in some way.   And then the man sometimes buys very expensive gifts to compensate for his behavior.  Some women accept the jealousy and control as a sign that the man loves them very deeply.

Now, when it's happening to children also... that one I cannot understand.  Most women have such a strong instinct to protect their children, how could they allow a man to hit or hurt them, even if it's their own father?  Then again, if it's that subtle abuse that is verbal or emotional, some women don't even recognize it as abuse when it's happening to the children.

In my opinion, of course.

It's just such an awful situation to be in.

Post Date: 7th Nov, 2003 - 8:46am / Post ID: #

Signs You Are In An Abusive Relationship
A Friend

Relationship Abusive In You Signs

The worst thing about getting out of an abusive relationship is the amount of time it takes to recover. If the abuse took place over a long period of time then it is very likely that the person escaping has very little self confidence, self esteem, self worth, etc. They may have been made to feel so useless that they doubt they are capable of doing anything correctly, let alone doing it on their own. The driving force behind most abusers is control & the easiest way to control a person is to make sure there is nothing left of the person being abused to fight back. There is nothing worse than being gradually worn down until the person you were no longer exists.
Most people tell the abused person that now they are out of that awful situation they'll be ok. Unfortunately, that isn't always the case. Getting away from the abuser is hard enough, making a new life on your own, is extremely difficult, but the hardest thing of all is rebuilding a personality. Where do you start?
How do you face what seems to be an almost impossible task? I guess the only way is to take each day, work through it, stay positive & then start again the next day. I think my biggest worry is does an abused person ever fully recover or do they just learn how to cope.

Post Date: 10th Nov, 2003 - 10:49pm / Post ID: #

Signs You Are In An Abusive Relationship
A Friend

Signs You Are In An Abusive Relationship Needs Special & Philosophy Psychology

I think my biggest worry is does an abused person ever fully recover or do they just learn how to cope.
I think it depends on the individual, I was in an abusive relationship once and it became increasingly abusive as time went on....I cannot explain the depth of how bad it was but I wish I would have had that list by Dear Abby that 'IDSNIOWA' posted, back then, but non the less it was hard to get out of the relationship once deep feelings got involved at first he would hit me while we were playing and he was extremely verbally abbusive and the hitting got worst until one day he hit me while I was pregnant, this is when I had enough I started to fight back it was terrible because we fought like animals while i was pregnant then he was sorry and wanted to make LOVE!, but I knew I had to get out of it i also knew that I was emotionally attached to this man, he began threatning to kill me if I ever left him and then would say he was joking or that i took things too seriously, well that was it for me one day while he was at work I left and it took me 2 years to get over it but i was determined to rebuild my self esteem and I can say now that I have recovered fully. So people can fully recover.

Post Date: 16th Nov, 2003 - 9:51pm / Post ID: #

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Page 2 Relationship Abusive In You Signs

it is interesting that women tend to take up this issue, but men seem to be shy about it. Is it that it happens to men less or is it that they are 'shy' to expose their inability to 'control' the situation?

Offtopic but,
There is a more indepth topic about this on the mature board for those of you that are able to access it or see it.

Post Date: 18th Nov, 2003 - 10:35am / Post ID: #

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Relationship Abusive In You Signs

I think, JB, because women are usually the most affected by abuse, and men don't want to get in the middle of a bunch of women talking about it.  And victims who are men may be reluctant to share that experience.  Besides which, women are generally more willing to discuss deep feelings than most men (in general! and I mean U.S. men, I don't know many from other cultures...)

In my opinion, of course.

Post Date: 18th Nov, 2003 - 7:33pm / Post ID: #

Signs You Are In An Abusive Relationship
A Friend

Signs You Are In An Abusive Relationship

What some of us don't know, and may never realize until in an abusive relationship, is how subtle some abuse is.  It starts off very small, a little thing that makes no sense and is easily rationalized away as a quirk or a "one time thing."

You are so very right!  For the first 5 years of my 29 year marriage there was really no abuse.  There wasn't any degrading comments,  or physical abuse.  He was slowly building me up to be what he invisioned I should be.  But he did it with loving words and encouragement.

He encouraged me to have an opinion, to voice it.  And if it differed from his, then he subtly steered me towards his opinion.  

We travelled all over the 8 states of the west coast during that time.  I would stay with my sister, or his while he drove to the next job site, then after he found us a place to live I would fly in.  We were never at the job site for more than a month either.  So when I wasn't with him, he called me every night.  I never knew what time he would call, and this was part of his conditioning of me.  At first I thought he was the most loving of husbands, calling every night.  And he was always concerned for me, asking me so many questions.  Then one night I spent the night at a girlfriends and when he called and I wasn't where I was supposed to be he got so angry.  He bullied my sister into giving him the phone number where I was at.  When my girlfriends husband refused to wake me up he went balistic.  Of course they kept this from me for so many years. When he finally reached me the next night, he practically accused me of being unfaithful.  I laughed this off, telling myself that he must really love me to be this jealous.

The emotional, mental, verbal abuse started subtly over the next years.  I really didn't see the signs. Nor would I have admitted it.  To admit it would be admitting that you were one STUPID person! Here I had married this man, I had been singing his praises on how considerate he is, he asks me for my opinion and listens to me. When so many of his coworkers treated their wives like chattal.    

Also he threatened to harm and then to kill my family. I want to believe that had my Father been alive, I wouldn't have given in to this threat. My Mother was alone with two middle school age children, and my two older sisters were living alone also.  

It is funny what finally triggered me to leave him. It was money.  He allowed me to have a checking account, with both of our names on it, but I wasn't allowed to balance it.  He did that.  He also picked up the mail, gave the bills to me to pay, when he wanted them paid that is.  He had a job installing vinyl siding, and this job took him out of town for weeks on end.  Well he was home inbetween jobs, and his business account was all messed up.  He said the bank was at fault.  He had to leave for a big job and he didn't want to be bothered with arguing with the bank, so he tossed his bank statements, account register and all of his business receipts at me and told me to straighten them up and then straighten it up at the bank.  

So for three days and nights I went through all of his bank records.  That is where I discovered he was gambling and drinking away on the average of $300.00 a day!  Then he called and demanded that I wire him $1000.00.  That his credit card got taken by the machine, and no one would take his checks.  Well of course they wouldn't, he was nearly $2000.00 overdrawn.  I didn't have the money, and he was so nasty to me.  

Sitting there with the phone reciever laying on the table and hearing him berate me for something he has been doing - gambling and drinking.  I knew I had to get out.

He is never going to change, he is never going to take responsibility for his own actions.

I picked up the reciever and held down the pound key to get him to shut up.  Then I told him there was no money, that he would have to find another source for bailing him out.  That he HAD to stop gambling.  $300.00 a day.  What are you doing for $300.00 a day!!

From that day it did take me about 4 months to actually leave him.  Even though in the last 5 years of our marriage he was physically abusive, I wasn't afraid of him any more.  At this point I think I wasn't afraid to die.  I didn't want to, but I also knew that he would only hurt me once more and I would send him to jail, AND press charges.

Being back in Church was a BIG blessing and gave me the strength and the support I needed.  Once I left him, the people in town rallied around ME and protected me and supported me.  We moved to this town because he knew the people and he was a big fish in a little pond. Or he thought he was.  

I am so thankful for our church, that it is truly a 24/7 religion.  I am bolstered by our faith every hour of every day.  

Also this is for those of you out there who are in an abusive relationship - there is a life for you.  Get out, get out  GET OUT!  

Leave your furniture, clothes, dishes, photos, belongings.  They can be replaced.  Your life cannot! Go to your police department, believe me they will help you. Check out the yellow pages and find the number for the Women's Help Center.  Call the City Police, or the County Sheriff and they will give you the number.  Write this down and tuck it in your pants or pin it to your underclothes and be sure to take enough coins to operate your pay phones.  CALL they will come and get you.  

Post Date: 18th Nov, 2003 - 11:17pm / Post ID: #

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Page 2 Signs You In Abusive Relationship

Agene, thank you so much for sharing your story of courage and hope with us. I know it will help a lot to those people who may be reading this that they're are going through some kind of abuse. Your story inspired a lot of hope, that not all is lost but if you have life, there is hope. Thanks again for sharing your feelings with us. :) God bless you always.

Post Date: 19th Nov, 2003 - 5:26pm / Post ID: #

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Signs You In Abusive Relationship - Page 2

Thank you for sharing that with us, AGene.  How difficult it is when you realize what's been happening for so long...  I'm truly grateful you were able to get out!

I can vouch for the Women's Centers.  I went to group therapy classes at a local place, and it was wonderful.  And you see how these abusers are so much alike... after the woman leaves, it seemed each man had some kind of major change... quit drinking, quit smoking, got religion, got a job...  "I'm a changed man, honey!  Come home NOW.  Everything will be different, I PROMISE."  And all this within a couple of weeks :)  I remember one woman in the group who had gone back to her husband several times, and each time he was sweet and loving for a few weeks or months, and then he would go right back to his old behavior.  She finally left for good after he beat her so severely that she nearly lost her left eye.  But she was devastated -- she loved him!

It's so sad to see this.  But as someone posted above -- recovery is definitely possible.  Thank you, again, for sharing your story.


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